Vicki Belou — Hello RVA

Addiction and recovery can certainly be a somber and heavy subject - one that can be difficult to navigate. But as we sat across from each other in a bustling coffee shop, music keeping a high tempo in the background, Vicki was all smiles and the picture of calm. She kept things light and blanketed her story in positivity - focusing on how she has been moving forward, only every now and again peeling back a corner to reveal a tiny glimpse of the darkness that came before it.

Vicki is currently in recovery, closing in on 18 months clean and sober. Now that she has overcome one of the biggest hurdles in her own life, she is now applying what she has learned and strives to help other women who are experiencing the same struggles. Overall, her story is not about addiction, but about leaving that life behind. It’s about exploring new life and appreciating each day and its promise of new opportunities and growth.

Meet Vicki Belou:
Advocate, survivor & human

Trigger warning: This article contains talk of drug use.

Tell me a little bit about how you got to where you are now.

After high school, I got really bad into drugs... mostly did opiates intravenously. When I got pregnant with my kids, I stopped doing that. It’s been about four and a half years and even after my c-section, I didn’t use any sort of pain pill. It was about a year and a half after my son was born, the father was trying to have nothing to do with them but was still in the household. I was just overwhelmed, I couldn’t get anything done. So, I switched my drug of choice to uppers. All of a sudden, it was like… laundry done, housework done. So I realized I liked that a lot more. I lost everything. Went to rehab and I haven’t had any sort of drugs since.

I do a lot of work with the women in the Eco Flats downtown, I help out with the McShin Foundation sometimes and a lot of work I did was with the Libbey House - a recovery house for women who don’t have the money to go to rehab. I lived in that house helping people for about a year.

So, that was… the short version?

Did somebody help you while you were recovering?

Yes! I have a sponsor. I’ve had the same sponsor for the last 17 months. I’m about to hit my 18-month in two and a half weeks. She’s been nothing but supportive. All the women in my sponsor family are completely supportive. Every time I need to make a big decision in my life, I always consult at least two people with more clean time than me about what they have done and what has worked for them. My sponsor family isn’t big on giving advice. They just tell me how they did it, what they’ve done and then all of the decisions are up to me. I like that. They’re not going to tell me what to do. (I’m terrible when people tell me what to do.) So, I’ve taken that approach with other women in that I don’t tell anybody what to do. I tell them how I’ve done it. And then it’s their choice.

what is involved in your volunteer work?

A lot of the times, it’s just talking. Pretty much like what we’re doing now... telling them my story (with a lot more gory details.) Because they’ve been there. I don’t think everybody in Richmond needs to know what it’s like for a junkie… but these women know what that’s like. They want to know what it was like when I first got clean... Getting through the first week, or the first month … those are the hard times. Because you don’t really [know if you] want to be there or not or if the program is right for you or if the house you’re in is where you want to be. All of us are pretty knowledgeable on all the recovery houses, and if it’s not a good fit for somebody, we try to get them somewhere else to make sure they’re with the right people that will help them succeed. [We] make sure that they’re getting the amount of meetings that they need. Or, if they’re like me and have social anxiety, [we] bring them to smaller meetings. We drive them to job interviews. We help where we can. Each person has different needs. We try to cater to each single person, not just a set guideline. It’s on a case by case basis.

We’ve got older people, we’ve got teenagers, we’ve got all kinds of people coming in wanting help. It helps to have people who have known it each step of the way.

Do you find that helping others helps you too?

Absolutely. The 11th and 12th step [of the 12-step program] is taking what you’ve learned and first giving it back to yourself and then giving it to someone else. So, it is written in our program that we give back what we’ve learned. The first time I helped somebody, it was like my recovery was increased. I got a one up! I got an extra life. Sometimes it’s not always about what you’re saying to the other person or what you’re doing to help them… it’s about how it’s helping you at the same time.

What other things do you do to help them through their recovery?

We do a lot of book work and a lot of step work. NA works off the 12 steps. I recently started my 4-step, which is a lot of writing. I had to make a list of all of the people I’ve ever been mad at... then take that list and write every single [reason] that I’ve been mad at every single person for and then take that list and answer 15 questions about every single thing I’ve ever been mad at.

What kind of questions?

It’s mostly about my part. Like, how was I selfish? Where were my motives? Do I still hold resentments against these people? Where was I dishonest? What have I lied about or embellished the truth about?

Is it helping?

It is! I’ve been working on it for about six months. I am mad at a lot of things, I guess! But you know, I thought I was. Now I’m starting to realize I wasn’t really mad at anything at all. It was just something to complain about and take the focus off of me and put it on something that’s really not that big of a deal. I’m really good at shifting the blame away from me and putting it on somebody who didn’t do anything in the first place.

What do you like doing in your spare time?

I like to take myself on dates. I like to go to Kings Dominion... but I like to go by myself [so] it’s just me and what I want to do. I also have a Busch Gardens pass. I kind of went above and beyond... but I’ve never had either of those things. I have never purchased an amusement park pass. I have the money this year - I’m not spending it on crack and stuff… I actually have the money to do stuff like that.

I [also] like to go down by the pipeline overlook and go sit on the beach. I like to listen to the water.

Saturday, I drove to the beach for fun! I never made it to the beach beach, but I parked, played putt-putt... played putt-putt again. Went out and had dinner at a nice restaurant and drove back.

A lot of people feel very uncomfortable by themselves. I know I feel uncomfortable by myself sometimes. And it wasn’t until I started doing these things that I started feeling more comfortable being alone. It helps with codependency. I don’t feel like I need somebody there to be a buffer.

How long have you been in Richmond?

I would like to say that I’ve always lived here. My family is from New Orleans. [It was] an off-on sort of thing when I was small. But then primarily growing up and when I was in school, I was here.

My kids keep me here [now]. They don’t live with me. So, I can’t really up and move them. I see them twice a month for eight hours and one dinner. It might not seem like that much... but for me, it’s a big step. Going from what I had to what I have… it’s been good.

What are some of your primary focuses now?

I was recently [in] the hospital for my mental health. I had an epiphany there that I wanted to go into nursing school. So, the day I got out, I applied for college and got in… all within the last five days. I took the test this morning, got my placement, got my class load, got all that stuff. I felt like I needed to do it because when I applied, they gave me my student number and it was my initials and then my lucky number that I’ve had since I was a kid. The same lucky number - 27. I was like, “This is a sign. I’m supposed to do this.” So, I guess I’m going to nursing school!

What inspired you to be a Nurse?

My son was born three months early. My daughter was a month and a half early. So they were both in the NICU. That’s what I want to do: work with the preemie babies or labor and delivery or the antepartum with the mothers with preeclampsia like I had.

And if it doesn’t [work out], oh well! It’s something I got to try, something I experienced and even if I try and fail, then I at least tried at something. Then I’ll try at something else.

You seem to be a very motivated person. What inspires you?

The only reason I have this kind of motivation is because of my sponsor. It doesn’t matter what I tell her or what I’ve thought throughout the day… like things I would like to do to people who piss me off, or in general “I’m done with this recovery thing, I’m out.” She’s like, “Yeah... but are you though? Like… you sure? I don’t believe you.”

She knows that for me it takes trying to prove myself to somebody else. So, she’s like, “I’ll be that person, but you better prove yourself to you, not me.” Then we talk a lot about higher powers. I’m not a religious person by any means, but it’s nice to have a little thought bubble that’ll float above my head that I can throw stuff into daily. It’s like, I don’t feel like dealing with this, so I’ll put it in my little bubble and it’ll float above me instead of inside of me. And it makes me feel better.

Tell me about some of your most rewarding experiences.

I was able to form a relationship with a dog recently. I had stopped liking dogs because of some traumatic stuff that had nothing to do with dogs. I [was] abducted and was kept in a dog crate for two weeks… next to other dogs... and those dogs were treated better than I was. So, I’ve always had a resentment against [them]. But I found this one dog and it just broke me. He peed on me and everything.

I haven’t been able to even look at a dog in years and years and years. I’ve always liked animals. Always liked dogs before that and now I can finally look at a dog and not be afraid. I think that’s the most rewarding thing that I’ve felt in a while. And that was recently too! I’ve been having a lot of breakthroughs recently! A lot of things have lined up.

I live with my mom… that’s rewarding because I have a relationship with her that I never had while I was using. I’ve got a relationship with my step dad that I’ve never had. I was trusted at work with a lot of money. I’m trying new things like going to college and all that. It’s been a long few months but it’s been something else. It’s like every week, something happens in my life that’s positive and rewarding.

Sometimes [life] can be pretty crappy, but I haven’t really thought of it like that recently. I try to pick something [positive] out of every negative thing that happens and use that for the next time.

I do have one more rewarding thing though… I just got these teeth. My whole top row is brand new. Pretty much, I had two front teeth and everything else was broken. Like, completely destroyed. So, I didn’t like to smile and now I can! Now I don’t feel so different.

is it safe to say you’ve overcome the biggest hurtle?

I would say the biggest. But it is on the daily where I have [struggles]… ‘cause I’ll pass somewhere that’ll remind me of something or I’ll see someone on the street that reminds me of somebody. And then it’s like… “Oh… let’s go there again.” It’s a daily thing.

Would you say that is your biggest challenge right now?

I developed a lot of tools to help me through when I feel that way. I might have a good handle on it but it’s only because of the tools that I have. I’ve done the footwork to get these tools. Right now, the major struggle I have is with my mental health. I have bipolar and anxiety … to go along with that, I have borderline personality. I take medicine, I see therapists, I go to psychiatrists, psychologists, the whole nine. And I take every precaution to make sure I don’t have to go back there. Because I am happy. I have my kids to a good spot where I get to see them a lot more and I have a new job. Then going to school. I like to think of it as... there’s that … and then there’s back when I was eating Pop Eye’s out of a dumpster in the pouring rain. Still the same person and could always be me again if I don’t do what I need to do to keep what I have… that will be me again tomorrow if I let it.

I don’t think anyone wants that. I just don’t think people realize that’s what it turns into.

What advice do you have for somebody who is struggling with the same thing that you’re struggling with?

I took this one thing from [someone at] my job… I was struggling a lot, it was the busiest night of the year, I was in the weeds and just having the hardest time. Somebody looked at me and told me, “Hey… it’s not that serious.” Like… it’ll be okay! It’s not that serious. That replays in my head all the time.

Yeah, the drugs were great. They were fun for a little while but what I’ve found in recovery has been so much more fun and I’ve gotten these amazing friendships and I’ve gotten these lifelong tools to help me get through anything. So, it’s not about the tools to just get me through not getting high… it’s the tools that get me through these depressive times or the tools that’ll get me through breakups and deaths and things like that. Stuff I wouldn’t have had before.

So, I guess my biggest advice is not to take things too seriously.

What are you most proud of?

That’s a tough one. I guess even though I don’t have that much from the outside looking in… I am pretty proud of the progress that I’ve made. From where I was to where I am now… a lot of people don’t make it. I was one of the very lucky few.

There was a span earlier this year… I went to five or six funerals in a row. I am proud that I made it. Not only did I make it and I’m using the gift just to survive, now I’m using it to help other people. And to further my education and my career. Everybody says they’re proud of their kids… they’re right where they need to be.

I’ve had it easy.

What are some things that you’ve learned about yourself throughout this experience?

I learned that I’m allergic to fish… I’m Cajun and I’m allergic to fish. A lot of drugs are cut with fish oil vitamins, so I learned really quickly.

I learned that I like to drive. I was always behind the wheel driving to go get this friend high or to go get them stuff… or just to give them a ride to feel like I was fitting in. And now I like to go driving by myself, to be by myself at the amusement parks and to go out to eat at a restaurant, get full, and go to another restaurant and eat some more. I'll do anything that I’ve never tried before. Something new just to see if I like it. I might not and that’s okay! I’m still kind of experimenting.

I started doing ventriloquism. I’m not very good at it… but I started it because why not? I don’t have a puppet yet, because they’re very expensive, but I’ve looked into it. I do have a couple that I’ve seen that I really want. There’s a couple of letters in the alphabet that I’m still working on. The B’s and the P’s.

I’m willing to try anything at this point to find whatever it is that I like. Because I didn’t have those years to do that kind of soul searching. I was searching for something else. And now that’s my new high... finding these things that I like without getting high!

One of the things that I’ve noticed throughout doing my step work is … for me, it was all about not fitting in. Not having a place. [I was] picked on in high school and that kind of stemmed into [being] willing to do whatever it took to be friends with people. That’s why I like being on my own now. I don’t have to fit in anywhere because I fit in with myself. I am good enough for me.

Meet Vicki Belou:
Advocate, survivor & human

Tell me a little bit about how you got to where you are now.